My first day away at college, I stood out in the middle of the street. I could do that back home and might not see a car for half an hour or more. But in a city, things are different. Right after running up to the corner store for a pack of cigarettes, I then came back to my new street. I managed to catch the eye of the man across the street, who was washing his boat. At this time I was still 17, as my birthday is in October.
Anyway, this perfect stranger invites me over and into his house. A couple of drinks, and he has me right where he wants me. Later, I go back to my ‘new home’, feeling terrible. Why did I let him do what he wanted to do? I felt shame, guilt, but oddly enough, the very next day, after school, I was right back out there, looking for him.
Why do I do the things that I do? Because that’s what I’m used to. That’s what I learned I had to do in order for good things to happen. Again and again, I subjected myself to sexual abuse (I was still 17), since that was the behavior I had learned while growing up. In exchange, this man would take me fishing out on his boat, or to the bowling alley with him.
There were times, when my mother wasn’t at home, that my dad would take us 3 kids on a little ‘adventure’ up into the woods behind our house. I loved doing those kinds of things, and I guess I may have associated the bad with the good, and hadn’t learned anything else before I went away to college. Why I do the things I do.