I woke up my laptop, and started doing a little writing yesterday afternoon, as I think best, and get it down best if I type it out. I made a list of some of the things I do, or are my perceptions.
The first thing on the list was, “I can’t say no.” That has been a problem for me for most of my life. Growing up with abusive parents taught me that ‘no’ was a bad word, and you never used it, no matter what the occasion. Only adults could use this word and it was directed at us. This problem has gotten me into a lot of other abusive situations throughout my whole life.
The second item on the list was that I have to do what I am told. This subjected me to less abuse at home, but caused me more abuse after I left home. I couldn’t say no to the man across the street, or the two guys down the street. I couldn’t say no to the Navy recruiter, or to the aide at the Dual Diagnosis treatment facility. I couldn’t say no to alcohol.
Alcohol nearly ruined me. I had to drop out of college during my fourth semester due to it. I got removed from the US Navy due to it. I went to jail, 3 times due to it. I got 2 DUI’s on Federal property due to it.
One day I decided I’d had enough, once and for all. I had slid downhill for several years, and it seemed to be happening faster and faster. That was almost 13 1/2 years ago. I went back to college and got my BS. I got a good job, that I liked and that fit what I had learned at school.
I’m not sure when it happened, but my life started sliding downhill again, and it wasn’t due to alcohol. It was called something that no one talked about . . . mental illness. I was in and out of psychiatric wards more times than I can even count. I even spent some time in one of the state mental hospitals. But after much trial and error with medications, I became more stabilized but I still could not go back to work. I worked a part-time job for a while, until I lost it due to a month in the psychiatric ward.
I have not worked since, and then added MS to my list of disabilities. This one is tougher than most of the others because it is never going to go away, and it is never going to get better. It is just going to cause me to slide down the hill of physical disability, until I’m bedridden . . . and die. That will be the end of the downhill sledding.
~ van ~