That line has run through my mind ever since I got up this morning. I’m hoping that this will put it to rest
.Amazing love, how can it be?
Which kind of abuse is worse?
Or does it really matter?
One of my abusers passed,
going on eight months ago.
You would think,
There’d be relief,
That one of my tormentors was gone.
There is not.
I still love one of my abusers,
I still miss one of my abusers.
Amazing love, how can it be?
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder,
And schizo-affective disorder,
Whatever that means.
They say that the personality disorder,
Can come from childhood abuse,
Both sexual, physical, and emotional.
I got the whole boatload.
Now, while others sleep,
With visions of sugar drops in their heads,
I sit here and feel worthless, used,
Hopeless about my future.
This affects my day-to-day actions,
Or inaction, as it usually is,
Cannot hold down a job,
Control or express my anger properly,
Cannot stop wanting to end the pain.
But someone always comes at the last minute,
And saves me for another day.
Only to sit here and think badly of myself,
And wish there were another way,
To stop the pain, the anger, the fear,
To stop from adding to the pain,
By actions done,
By my own hand.
For a relationship to last
Longer than a year.
Someday this will all end,
Either by me or by God.
~ van ~