Sexual Abuse

Incest.  There I said the word.  My therapist read from a book about incest, the description of what it is.  She was using words that I was very uncomfortable with, but I was able to tell her that.  Words that describe sexual relations, and organs – words that I never utter.
I think maybe the reason why, is that even though I was very young when it started, those words put pictures in my mind that I don’t want to look at.  I am uncomfortable because they remind me of specific parts of the abuse, and I don’t want to remember them.  I want them not to have happened.  They changed my life forever.
As a young adult, not even 18 yet, I allowed myself to be ‘used’ by men, for the attention that got me.  If I did this, they would do that.  I was revolted during any encounter with members of the opposite sex.
The feelings were there, but I washed them away with alcohol.  Alcohol took me away from all the abuse, at least I thought it did.  But I remember crying in the middle of the street because someone didn’t come to the door.  I lived in the middle of anger, fear and revulsion with my life, but I did nothing to change it.  I was letting him to continue to abuse me, even when he was over 100 miles away.
I am starting on a journey, to specifically work through these emotions and feelings, and hopefully get to the point where they no longer control my life.  They cannot harm me.  He cannot harm me.

11 thoughts on “Sexual Abuse

      1. That makes sense. You do have control of your own therapy. If you feel it’s going to places you don’t feel are worthwhile, you have a say in that. But if you believe it is worthwhile, it may be really tough for awhile, and painful. Once aired the pain loses some the sharpness especially when shared with another.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I can’t even find the words to describe how difficult this is for you to open old wounds that still have the power to hurt you again.

    You have opened the door to heal yourself emotionally, that shows courage to reveal those scars that are on the inside, he/it will no longer have any power over you.

    Well done.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish you much healing and hope. There’s this kind of Japanese pottery that is deliberately shattered and then put back together with gold fusing that spiderwebs all over. It turns out even more beautiful than the original, stronger and more valuable. That is the kind of healing that is possible on the other side of brokenness, so take heart.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I too went for therapy due to an upcoming court case many years ago. My memories were suppressed and they hoped I’d be able to release them.
    In the end the therapist told me it was not my time. I was pregnant with my second child and she felt it was too much for me to knock down that wall. Over time, just as she said, I have knocked that wall brick by brick. It is still fairly high but it’s not surrounding me anymore.
    Unlike my situation all those years ago it sounds like this is your time. It is so very difficult. Have you looked online for others who are going through this? Support after a session is so important, as the after effects are so difficult as you describe so well.
    I have no doubt in time this will all help, take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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