Being ignored as a child, I wasn’t taught anything that I was supposed to have been. Instead I learned how to lie to cover my butt and save myself a beating. As I grew a little older, it just became ingrained. I would make up things to explain why something was broken, or missing, or just not satisfactory to my mother.
I do believe that she never had one good thing to say about any of my accomplishments. I wasn’t real at times like this. I used to perform music at school concerts. Band, choir, duets, solos, even playing the piano, which she didn’t know I could do. She was always there because she had to take me there. But she never said a word about it at any time after.
I felt I didn’t do it well enough. I wasn’t good enough, and that’s why she didn’t like me. I learned that at a very young age, but just existed in a world where all these people around me (only in school) didn’t like me either. I was smart and they didn’t like that.
But one thing that really stands out today, is how I was never allowed to be sick. She had to admit that I was sick when I came home from Kindergarten with Chicken Pox. So I missed some school due to that. Once I was well again, I never stayed at home, no matter how sick I felt. I had a running total of perfect attendance at school, right up until my Senior year, when my parents and I got stranded in a blizzard and no one was allowed to be on the roads for any reason.
The police took us to the Salvation Army, who took us to this rickety, old hotel, where people actually lived. There was one room for the three of us. We spent 4 or 5 days there, I can’t remember for sure, but for me it was pure hell. But that broke my perfect attendance record.
Now she’s gone and I can go out if I want to, or I can stay home if I want to. I still feel guilty, though, if I don’t go somewhere that I was supposed to go. I have to make up a story as to why I wasn’t going. My reasons were never good enough. Sometimes I went anyway, because of the guilt I was feeling. But I’m still never good enough. And just saying “no” is never enough…
~ van ~