SCARED – And Nowhere To Turn

I don’t often write about situations such as the one I’m about to, but it is eating away inside me, causing my anxiety levels to exceed the dosage of medication I take during the day.

I got a letter in the mail yesterday. I almost threw it away because it didn’t look like something that I needed to pay any attention to. I was wrong.

Something made me open that one-page letter.

It was sent by a company I didn’t recognize, and I was totally baffled at first. Then I read the entire letter and the fear set in. I am over 50 years of age, and yet not had even one colonoscopy. This is more due to fear of the prep process than the actual procedure.

Red flags were up. The letter, the results of the test sample that I had sent in, was positive for blood in the sample. Fear increased each minute that I sat there, staring at that letter. I was going to have to have a colonoscopy done.

My aunt on my mother’s side, died of colon cancer. Back in those days they didn’t have all of this technology that they have now. Three and a half years ago, my mother died of stage-four cervical cancer. There was definitely cancer in the family. That big word, CANCER was the only one bouncing around in my brain.

Now, I realize that there can be other reasons for that positive result, too many to list, actually. But there is only one way to find out what is going on inside my body, besides everything else I have going on. I was also considering all the red Gatorade I drink, and how that might affect the test results.

My doctor called this morning, and is sending a consult to the GI clinic, for a colonoscopy, and I am scared out of my mind. I have only spoken of this to two people, because I don’t want it spread all around the building, like most other things do after telling only one person about it.

So there it is. Out on paper  the computer screen.  It doesn’t seem to have eased any of  the pressure I’m feeling in my chest.  And for some freaking odd reason, I cannot see my cursor online, but I can offline.

But that is a story for another time.

~ van ~

8 thoughts on “SCARED – And Nowhere To Turn

  1. I am sorry to hear that you are having to face this uncomfortable procedure. Health and everything related to it is scary for all of us.I feel for you! I would be terrified too..All I can say is hang in there.I also get anxious about health related matters. It is better to know rather than not know. Just take it one step at a time now. As hard as it is to not think about the future, try to focus on each day as it comes until you get the colonoscopy done and then until you get the results. Sending you strength!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The fear is always worse than the reality. You will get through the prep and the exam. I know you know that most causes of bleeding are not cancerous but it is only natural to worry. I hope you get the procedure and results soon.
    There is a very strong history of breast cancer in my family. My sister and four first cousins all got it in their 40s. Four years ago I too found a lump and for two weeks the world stopped turning for me. It was terrifying. Then I got the results, mine was only a cyst. I’ve gone on to have three more and know I still have a big chance of cancer but I do know now that sometimes two and two can make five. I hope that is the case for you too.
    Don’t back out, be brave and stay as positive as you can.


  3. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I don’t know how scary perhaps having an operation can be since I never have, but I do know that just thinking about having to go to the doctor stresses me out. I wish you all the best. Try not to scare yourself before you find out what’s going on. Sometimes we make ourselves more sick than we have to.


    1. Over the span of 25-30 years, I’ve had 4 foot surgeries, gall bladder removal, brain aneurysm, parathyroidectomy, and almost 2 months ago, elbow surgery (called cubital tunnel release). My funny (?? Not very funny at all when you hit it…hit mine yesterday, the one that had the surgery of course, and the pain was incredible) bone nerve (ulna) is the main nerve that goes from your neck to the last two fingers on the hand. The symptoms I had for that was numbness that wouldn’t go away in my hand and fingers, and pain of the nerve along my forearm. I’ve also had a DNC, oral surgery and an endoscopy. I have discovered that mild sedation doesn’t work on me, and twice they had to put me under in order to do the procedures. I’m not afraid of any surgery, but the prep for a colonoscopy, with me being in a wheelchair.


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