Move Away I Fear To Hear

The pain I carry in my heart
Was always there, from the start
Why can’t I get him outta my head
Fourteen years now, he’s been dead

I thought that death would be the end
I might see more around that bend
All this time I couldn’t see
How tough survival could really be

They are not telling me I can be free
To live my life as I should think it’d be
Prepare to get my ducks in a row
The day will come when I must go.

I can be taken care of when I’m there
Fewer mistakes that I don’t care
To live such life out of this place
I don’t think I can keep the pace

No friends around me any more
Can’t make my way to the grocery story
Having to rely on family
Is not the way my life should be

Keep only things that I can use
Without my problems to cause abuse
Good bye my friends, all whom I love
I’ll see you again in the realm above

I Feel Lost

I feel very lost and alone
Not even the ring of a telephone
Nothing there, perhaps a genie
I need someone feisty

Image result for google images fog The fog floats down round and round
It flows through the air, without a sound
Throughout the night, I hear it moan
Telling me there’s no one at home

My heart, has become really old
Leaves my house empty, cold
It will stay, mold and rot
Be thankful for the things you’ve got

I feel nothing, not heat, not cold               Image result for foggy forest
It will be like this until I’m old
A heart that feels it needs a jolt
Lock her up, with screw and bolt.


 

It Is So Difficult

Taboo Word  9/8/16

No one knows the trials I go through
Just to seem normal for another day
Normal is always so easy for you
For me it’s too far away

I struggle each day to get out of bed
To look like I’m really okay
But no one sees what is inside my head
It would cause you to run far away

Evil, put into my soul long ago
I tried to climb into a bottle
Everyone saw all that I know
Too late for my chance at the throttle

After some time I put the booze
Far away from my hand and my head
I knew I had nothing to lose
Keep it up I and would be dead

You can see today’s taboo word below. Visit Eric, author of the All In A Dad’s Work blog and creator of the challenge, for details on participating.

 taboo

Click the blue frog to read others taking part in this fun challenge 

Wearing A Face Kept In A Jar By The Door

English: Child in Tiger face paint
English: Child in Tiger face paint (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This so describes me totally.  When I’m at home, I don’t need that face, for there is no one to look at me, except for my cat Mittens.  All those feelings that are roiling around inside of me are there for no one to see.

When it is time to go out, I take the face out of the jar, and wear that one over my real one.  No one then can see the pain, anger, sadness, sometimes rage, and fear, that I feel but are not visible.

What if someone saw the real face?  Would they go running, scared?  I think I would.  When it’s in the jar, I only look in the mirror to brush my hair.  I don’t even want me to see that face.

It would make me very, very sad, but then, I’m already sad.

~ van ~

I Am A Winner!

Throughout the years of childhood abuse
They made me feel there was no use
Through all those years of constant strife
I could not live my very own life

A children’s view of this time
I never had a thing that was mine
Hand me downs from those of old
No longer did keep out the cold

The home itself was cold as well
Living there, I went through hell
They taught me when I moved a way
That others still had their say

In how my life to be controlled
Again I lived in that cold
Afraid to peek out of the hole
Burrowed deep within my soul

Now I live here on my own
My body now is fully grown
But carries all the scars I earned
That taught me I had never learned

But down the hole, did I fall?
Little by little I changed it all
Every night I sit for dinner
Another day  I am a winner

BPD – What It Means For Me

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder many years ago, and have been taking pretty much the same medications over this time. I have BPD. I know I have it. I recognize the symptoms when they get worse. I wouldn’t dream of stopping them, for fear of the consequences.

It has long been thought that BPD was caused by abuse as a child, or some other horrendous trauma experienced when young. It has been brought to my attention that in order for someone to develop BPD, there has to be one or both parents who suffer from this disorder. This disorder is passed on genetically.

Without the genetics, BPD does not occur, despite popular belief, because of chronic abuse as a child, alone. The gene must also be present. I realized a couple years ago, that my mother must have had the same disorder. Based on the way that she treated me, along with the sexual abuse from my father, I developed BPD.

There has to be at least five symptoms a person must have to be diagnosed with this disorder.

  1. Unstable or poorly regulated emotional responses – anger, anxiety, depression
  2. Inappropriate intense anger that is difficult to control
  3. Chronic feelings of emptiness
  4. Self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, binge eating, and
  5. Suicidal ideation, acts, threats, self-injurious behavior
  6. Persistent, unstable self-image
  7. Paranoid ideation or severe dissociative episodes
  8. behaviors from most people, impaired social reasoning under stress
  9. Frantic acts due to chronic fear of abandonment, very intense and unstable relationships

To be diagnosed with BPD, five of these nine symptoms must be present.  When I finally learned about Borderline Personality Disorder, it was sort of an ‘aha’ moment.  Now, things that I feel or do, I understand why.  I suffer from eight of these nine symptoms.

I understand why I will do almost anything to prevent what I perceive as abandonment.  I understand why all of my relationships were either inappropriate, extremely intense and unstable.  I understand why I have a great deal of new debt, that has occurred after the agreement with the debt management program,  that I would not apply for anymore credit cards, and this new debt is due to three  new credit cards.  I understand why I became a chronic alcoholic (Nearly 17 years sober now).  I understand the cuts on my arms, the overdoses, and all the threats of suicide, and all of the psychiatric hospitalizations.

I understand now, why I am me, and why I still do many of the things on that list.  Do you now understand me?

 

Do You Really Know Me?

We pass each other along the way

You don’t give me the time of day

I’ve known it right from the start

You wouldn’t know what’s in my heart

They see me, but not really

Just another face you see

Who knows that I love to sing

To hear all the church bells ring

Do you know, where I’ve been

Or what I did, way back when

Whom I held close to my heart

With the hormones at the start

They said that it was just a fad

It couldn’t really be that bad

But I’m here to tell you now

You’ll hear me when I tell you how 

Up Close And Personal

I keep them at a distance,
I don’t get hurt that way,
If you let them in your heart,
They’re going to leave one day.

I didn’t have a choice back then,
She was always in my face,
I had no time, of my own,
Or my own private space.

Nothing was ever done just right,
Not a thing got past her eye,
Poking in my private stuff,
At times I thought I’d just die.

Try to keep it hidden,
You know you have done wrong,
She’d always find out in some way,
It never took her long.

PTSD

PTSD, oh how hard it can be.
See things over and over again,
Some things, not remembering them,
Some things I’ll never do again.

PTSD, makes me scared of life,
Growing up, filled with strife,
Used to get the great big knife,
But something keeps me clinging to life.

I see things over and over again,
They hide deep inside my head,
I won’t do this, I won’t do that,
But other things, keep doing this or that.

Programmed deep within my soul,
What will it take to make me whole?
Memories keep rushing to the top,
I don’t know how to make it stop.

~ van ~

Soul In Despair

I’ve often wondered where I would be today, if my life hadn’t started off in the manner in which it did. The first 17 years of my life, full of every sort of abuse, by both of my parents. I ran away when I was 17 to continue my life, filled with all kinds of musical desires, and classes.

I quickly learned how lonely I really was away from home. This made no sense to me, so instead of finding myself, I went out into the street, searching for someone to fill the void that had been somehow left in me.

Alcohol soon became my new companion, along with all the problems that it can cause. The only good thing about this was that I wasn’t a licensed driver, therefore wasn’t bothered with DUI’s. The city buses ran late at night, enabling me to drink myself senseless, and then stagger back to my new home, and my new bed.

The loneliness, however, drove me into unknown places, unknown faces, faces that only wanted one thing and one thing only, and I could never say no.

After two years of this, my soul succumbed, and my life and dream was in shambles. Unable mentally to return to my parent’s home, I chose to run very far away, and into the Navy.

After eight weeks of mental and physical torture, I was released into what seemed to be endless freedom, and went to the wonderful state of Illinois. Great Lakes, otherwise known as Great Mistakes. I had no choice at that point in where I was sent, and it wasn’t good.

I don’t believe any place I might’ve been sent to, would really have been good, because the problems that occurred came from within my own soul . . . planted there when I was growing up, never to really go away.

And so, today, my soul remains in despair.

~ van ~