The Lake So Deep

I feel deserted, no one is there

Getting used to having no one care

No one knows the depth of my fear

Maybe that’s why they don’t come near

Ý

I used to drive them all away

Know there’s nothing I can say

See me here in deep despair

Has me pulling out my hair

Ȳ

They all laugh as though they see

The misery deep inside of me

It’s getting to be easier to take

No longer crying to fill a lake

Ȳ

That lake, I know it is quite deep

And there is where my secrets keep

The way he came, caused me fear

Every time I felt him near

Ȳ

⊗ van ⊗

The Man Took Me

Taboo Word 9/7/16

I don’t remember how it began,
It was so very long ago
This was the one certain man
That would not let me go

I was so little at the start
And so my memory fails
The man who had no heart
Prevented my tiny wails

No one heard me cry at night
No one knew my fears
My heart beat fast with so much fright
My face so wet from tears

The man who never let me show
How loudly beat my heart
No one was to ever know
My words, they would not start

The man is gone, for all time
Never again, will cause me pain
The memories now forever mine
I will never be the same

~ van ~

You can see today’s taboo word below. Visit Eric, author of the All In A Dad’s Work blog and creator of the challenge, for details on participating.

 taboo

Click the blue frog to read others taking part in this fun challenge 

Being A Survivor

Taboo Word – Day 2

What is it that you can find, deep within the mind of a survivor? Being a survivor myself, I’d have to say that the answer is not that simple. Some things that remain, are often things that you don’t want to remember, ever. I believe that I have some of these myself.

I have been going to therapy for a good 30 years or more, and I am still working on getting past thoughts and patterns that affect my behavior on a daily basis. Some of the memories that I have recovered, have helped me to understand why I’m the way that I am.

These memories are ones that explain why I have the diagnoses that I have. Some of these memories explain the poor self-image, poor self-worth, or inappropriate emotional responses, causing poor reasoning, avoidance of people or places and exaggerated emotional responses.

They can also cause the impulsiveness that leads me to spending in excess, emotional outbursts, and relationships that are short, and often over emotional. My long-term relationships have lasted for five years each, and I’ve been through and used up three of them.

Now I live alone, and everything that I act on, is still based on exaggerated emotional responses to the stimuli around me. This has been my life for the past 16 years. I take part in outside activities, like Bible studies and wheelchair sporting events, but everything is done (hah!) in a way that protects me from experiencing those emotions that are almost always inappropriate to the situation.

So I spend most of my time alone in my apartment, with only my cat, all the things I take part in on the Internet, and Netflix and my big screen TV. One person that lives in this building, understands a lot of my interactions with others, and the thoughts behind my actions.

But now, my therapist wants me to start relying more on my peers, and less on professionals for support. This is very difficult for me to carry out, but I make it seem to her, that I am changing this behavior. This is not easy for me.  Not at all.

You can see today’s taboo word below. Visit Eric, author of the All In A Dad’s Work blog and creator of the challenge, for details on participating.

 

Click the blue frog to read others taking part in this fun challenge

I Am A Winner!

Throughout the years of childhood abuse
They made me feel there was no use
Through all those years of constant strife
I could not live my very own life

A children’s view of this time
I never had a thing that was mine
Hand me downs from those of old
No longer did keep out the cold

The home itself was cold as well
Living there, I went through hell
They taught me when I moved a way
That others still had their say

In how my life to be controlled
Again I lived in that cold
Afraid to peek out of the hole
Burrowed deep within my soul

Now I live here on my own
My body now is fully grown
But carries all the scars I earned
That taught me I had never learned

But down the hole, did I fall?
Little by little I changed it all
Every night I sit for dinner
Another day  I am a winner

BPD – What It Means For Me

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder many years ago, and have been taking pretty much the same medications over this time. I have BPD. I know I have it. I recognize the symptoms when they get worse. I wouldn’t dream of stopping them, for fear of the consequences.

It has long been thought that BPD was caused by abuse as a child, or some other horrendous trauma experienced when young. It has been brought to my attention that in order for someone to develop BPD, there has to be one or both parents who suffer from this disorder. This disorder is passed on genetically.

Without the genetics, BPD does not occur, despite popular belief, because of chronic abuse as a child, alone. The gene must also be present. I realized a couple years ago, that my mother must have had the same disorder. Based on the way that she treated me, along with the sexual abuse from my father, I developed BPD.

There has to be at least five symptoms a person must have to be diagnosed with this disorder.

  1. Unstable or poorly regulated emotional responses – anger, anxiety, depression
  2. Inappropriate intense anger that is difficult to control
  3. Chronic feelings of emptiness
  4. Self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, binge eating, and
  5. Suicidal ideation, acts, threats, self-injurious behavior
  6. Persistent, unstable self-image
  7. Paranoid ideation or severe dissociative episodes
  8. behaviors from most people, impaired social reasoning under stress
  9. Frantic acts due to chronic fear of abandonment, very intense and unstable relationships

To be diagnosed with BPD, five of these nine symptoms must be present.  When I finally learned about Borderline Personality Disorder, it was sort of an ‘aha’ moment.  Now, things that I feel or do, I understand why.  I suffer from eight of these nine symptoms.

I understand why I will do almost anything to prevent what I perceive as abandonment.  I understand why all of my relationships were either inappropriate, extremely intense and unstable.  I understand why I have a great deal of new debt, that has occurred after the agreement with the debt management program,  that I would not apply for anymore credit cards, and this new debt is due to three  new credit cards.  I understand why I became a chronic alcoholic (Nearly 17 years sober now).  I understand the cuts on my arms, the overdoses, and all the threats of suicide, and all of the psychiatric hospitalizations.

I understand now, why I am me, and why I still do many of the things on that list.  Do you now understand me?

 

Misery

Misery comes in different ways,
It can last for weeks, or just for days,
My misery started long ago,
Silent so no one would know.

When I was only just a child
When the misery would run wild,
Some causes came in dark of night,
Other causes during daylight.

But as I aged, learned how to shout,
I became able to let some out,
But there’s some that stays within,
It seems this war, I’ll never win.

At night he haunts me in my dreams,
During the light she always wins,
Now I’m trapped within these walls,
They know I’m here, but no one calls.

A test, they say, will let us see,
What is happening inside of me,
This misery I have had for days,
Bothers my life, in many ways.

But when all is said and done,
I pray I’ll once more see the sun,
That will be my very own way,
I’m going to live another day.

– van –

No Is Never Enough (Previously published “With All The Lies, Who Am I?”)

Being ignored as a child, I wasn’t taught anything that I was supposed to have been. Instead I learned how to lie to cover my butt and save myself a beating. As I grew a little older, it just became ingrained.  I would make up things to explain why something was broken, or missing, or just not satisfactory to my mother.

I do believe that she never had one good thing to say about any of my accomplishments.  I wasn’t real at times like this.  I used to perform music at school concerts. Band, choir, duets, solos, even playing the piano, which she didn’t know I could do.  She was always there because she had to take me there.  But she never said a word about it at any time after.

I felt I didn’t do it well enough.  I wasn’t good enough, and that’s why she didn’t like me.  I learned that at a very young age, but just existed in a world where all these people around me (only in school) didn’t like me either.  I was smart and they didn’t like that.

But one thing that really stands out today, is how I was never allowed to be sick.  She had to admit that I was sick when I came home from Kindergarten with Chicken Pox.  So I missed some school due to that.  Once I was well again, I never stayed at home, no matter how sick I felt.  I had a running total of perfect attendance at school, right up until my Senior year, when my parents and I got stranded in a blizzard and no one was allowed to be on the roads for any reason.

The police took us to the Salvation Army, who took us to this rickety, old hotel, where people actually lived.  There was one room for the three of us.  We spent 4 or 5 days there, I can’t remember for sure, but for me it was pure hell.  But that broke my perfect attendance record.

Now she’s gone and I can go out if I want to, or I can stay home if I want to.  I still feel guilty, though, if I don’t go somewhere that I was supposed to go.  I have to make up a story as to why I wasn’t going.  My reasons were never good enough.  Sometimes I went anyway, because of the guilt I was feeling.  But I’m still never good enough. And just saying “no” is never enough…

~ van ~

Pain Now And Then

Oh, yes it hurts today,
The pain never went away.
It comes in many forms,
But almost always is the norm.

Today, yesterday, that day last week,
I try so many ways to seek,
Relief that will make me numb,
And not make me seem to be dumb.

I have a way to put it aside,
But this way I have to hide,
When I was young I’d cut so deep,
Enough to cause my soul to weep.

I thought this was way in my past,
But the pain returns quite fast.
Trade one pain for another one,
When it grows dark, then I’m done.

No One Knew

Mommy, Mommy, don’t hurt me,
I didn’t know anyone saw me,
Try to take away the strife,
For me it was my daily life.

Fear of her both day and night,
All I knew, it wasn’t right,
For someone that should try to care,
That one it seemed, was never there.

She was there, in our home,
I was never allowed to roam,
Go outside, she’d always say,
I often thought of running away.

Fear by day, and fear by night,
It seemed to me they had the right,
To treat a child like no one should,
All who saw, thought I was no good.

I did some things that were bad,
Due to the life that I had,
To bear through both day and night,
Inside of me there was no light.

Light was snuffed out long ago,
Hiding things no one should know,
When I tried to tell some one,
All the things, that were done.

Even now I cannot talk,
At the thought, my mind does balk,
I had nothing that I could say,
To tell them why I was that way.

Now, I try to talk it out,
Try to whisper, try to shout,
But it seems all stuck with glue,
If only I’d had someone to talk to.

No One Is Supposed To Know

Life growing up was never easy for me,
Things happening that no one could see,
Sometimes I just want to shout,
And get all the bad stuff out.

First GradeBut life doesn’t always work that way,
Told what to think, and what to say,
If you stepped outside this boundary,
You’d find yourself in quite a quandary.

So, I kept it all inside,
All the things I had to hide,
I was picked on all through school,
But still the home life had to rule.

Don’t say a word, he would say,
Don’t behave in such a way,
A way where someone else might see,
What was hidden inside of me.

Things a child shouldn’t have to bear,
A life where no one seemed to care,
They all thought that I was just bad,
They didn’t know the life I had.

That was nearly forty years ago,
And still it’s hard to let someone know,
Talk with those who can help me feel,
Talk with those who can help me heal.

– van –