Everybody Needs Something

I want something and I really do not know what it is
There’s a need in me that I just can’t see
There is something I need that is what it is
It is hidden down deep within me.

He can see my entire soul
He can see what I need
He will not lead me afoul
I am still yet just a seed.

What I need is Him in my life
Every day and every night
The evil one tries to bring in strife
I’m trying very hard to fight.

I need Him
He created me
His light never dims
Sometimes I just can’t see.

– van –

Sad

I woke up, and I do not know,
What has me feeling quite so low,
I know that something’s just not right,
But the answer hasn’t come to light.

All alone, again this day,
How long, this time, will I stay?
Sad and lonely all day long?
Even I know something’s wrong.

I need someone to share life with,
Where each of us will take and give,
The love God said we all deserve,
Maybe He’s holding mine in reserve.

Holding for the day that’s right,
This day is not within my sight,
I feel that it is so far away,
Waiting for that final day.

The day when God will call me home,
The day my heart no longer will roam,
Looking for the love that’s right,
When it’s truly here, within my sight.

Redemption – Dungeon Prompts

RedemptionOnly I can truly see,
The junk that lives inside of me,
The stuff I try so hard to hide,
To keep it way down deep inside.

Do I want to stay this way?

Can I make it go away?

Through things done not only to me?

Things that no one else can see?

The answer to all of this is no!
There are things that have to go!
How can I get rid of these?
Only One I need to please.

When I get on bended knee,
And ask for Him to help me see,
Redemption is the only way out,
So, for this I’m going to shout!

In order for me to be set free,
From all the pain inside of me,
Is ask for Him who is watching all,
Be the one to make that call.

And redemption for all that hinders me,
Through His love, will I truly be free.

Why?

I know it was so long ago,
But I can’t seem to leave it so,
Things buried in my past,
Seem to forever last.

Now my hair is gray,
It is another day,
But the things that haunt me,
Others don’t even seem to see.

I talk it out, once a week,
But what is it that I really seek?
An answer to make it all go away,
But then it comes back another day.

I talk with friends I met online,
They have issues similar to mine.
They, too, struggle each day,
Wishing that there were a way.

Why can’t I make it go?
The path I’m on seems so slow.
One day, I know I’ll find my way,
Not dreading the coming of each new day.

On that day, He’ll hold out His arms,
Then I’ll know I’m safe from harm,
He waits for me to find my way,
Eternity will then have it’s say.

I’ll no longer live in the past,
My time will forever last,
In a place where there is no pain,
I’ll be with Him, once again.

The Year Is Passing By Me

Time goes on and on these days,
My mind, it goes in several ways,
To days that now have become the past,
I thought time would forever last.
But day by day, they each march on,
One day here, and then it’s gone.
And then another week gone by,
I sit here and I wonder, why?
Why do I wait for time to stand still,
When everything is done through God’s Will.
The pain inside I try to hide,
I need to learn to put aside.
Each gray hair upon my head,
Counts the days I rise from bed,
And go with pain and moan until,
I remember, all I want is to do God’s Will.
What His will each day for me,
Is often sometimes hard to see,
But if I trust, with all my heart,
I’ll see His Will for me’s a start.
A new life free from all that’s passed,
The pain, the hurt, will only last,
Until I show my faith in Him,
And then the past shall then grow dim.

I Needn’t Be Sad!

My last post expressed the sadness about experiencing Christmas without my mother.
I have since had a change of heart. God has given me the greatest gift of all – the gift of love, from Him and for others. That is something to celebrate and feel good about.
Christmas is all about this precious gift given to me in the birth of His Son, Jesus Christ. This is what I should be celebrating, not who I am with, where I am, or how many presents I get.
I am not expecting any gifts this year, but I have the greatest gift of all, and that is all that I need.
I needn’t be sad about that!

When Does The End Really End?

English: Jericho House Long stay care for adul...
English: Jericho House Long stay care for adults with mental illness and /or alcohol dependence (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Several times, I have nearly come to an end; severe auto accidents, including one with a fatality.  Broke my jaw in one of those, that’s why they built in seat belts.  Hadn’t been back on the road more than a minute or two, on the Interstate, when we were hit head-on by another vehicle, which then hit the car behind us. Five people in our car, with two of them being hospitalized. It was after a week of not being able to open my mouth or chew, that my broken jaw was discovered. Six weeks wired shut over that one.

But when my life started sliding down into the depths of mental illness, there were several times where it could have been the end, but the actions of others kept me alive. Alive to a life I didn’t want to be living in.

The word was never said out loud, but it was implied. Suicide. After many hospitalizations and medication changes, I started to climb out of the trenches. I moved to a safe neighborhood, and started to live again.

I started playing my piano, my guitar, but was living a solitary life. I started trying to change other people’s habits, because they bothered me. I got into a lot of arguments over all of that, and I developed a reputation, and it wasn’t a good one.

But I didn’t care. I continued trying to control others, paying little attention to my own actions.

It took a long time before I realized that I had no friends, no life. I started staying by myself so that I wouldn’t be out there trying to change everyone else. I worked on changing myself.

Slowly, but steadily, I started climbing out of the trenches again, with a new attitude, and a new look at those around me. If I thought of something bad, I kept my mouth shut. I eventually got to where I didn’t even care about how other people were, I started getting along with everyone.

I found God, and a good church, and continued working on myself. Then I got the devastating news . . . MS and a 9mm aneurysm on my inner carotid artery. It was a Friday the 13th of all days, when I was told this by the neurologist.

Now, my look on life took a whole new direction. I was saved from the end by brain surgery for the aneurysm. I started taking shots for the MS, after several weeks of KT and OT, I was released from the hospital.

Now, my life seems to have no meaning, no objective. I stopped playing the piano and the guitar. I stopped everything. I knew that my life could quite possibly come to an earlier end than I had previously thought, and not in a very pleasant manner at that.

Now the desire for the end is back. I don’t want to see myself lying in a bed, wearing diapers and not remembering things. I think about the end a lot. Then I talk with someone who saves me, again, for awhile.

But this new cycle has settled in. I slide down, and someone reaches out and drags me back up, temporarily, then I start sliding down again. It has become a routine, and I never know when the end is really . . . the end.

~ van ~