Four Years Ago Today

Four years ago today

You finally had the last say

But still you plague me deep inside

Never really able to hide

Words so harsh they made me cry

Words so mean I wondered why

Why did no one know

A way long time ago

That mental illness can be passed

Even to the very last

I thank you Mom, for this gift

I hope it gave you a lift

BPD – What It Means For Me

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder many years ago, and have been taking pretty much the same medications over this time. I have BPD. I know I have it. I recognize the symptoms when they get worse. I wouldn’t dream of stopping them, for fear of the consequences.

It has long been thought that BPD was caused by abuse as a child, or some other horrendous trauma experienced when young. It has been brought to my attention that in order for someone to develop BPD, there has to be one or both parents who suffer from this disorder. This disorder is passed on genetically.

Without the genetics, BPD does not occur, despite popular belief, because of chronic abuse as a child, alone. The gene must also be present. I realized a couple years ago, that my mother must have had the same disorder. Based on the way that she treated me, along with the sexual abuse from my father, I developed BPD.

There has to be at least five symptoms a person must have to be diagnosed with this disorder.

  1. Unstable or poorly regulated emotional responses – anger, anxiety, depression
  2. Inappropriate intense anger that is difficult to control
  3. Chronic feelings of emptiness
  4. Self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, binge eating, and
  5. Suicidal ideation, acts, threats, self-injurious behavior
  6. Persistent, unstable self-image
  7. Paranoid ideation or severe dissociative episodes
  8. behaviors from most people, impaired social reasoning under stress
  9. Frantic acts due to chronic fear of abandonment, very intense and unstable relationships

To be diagnosed with BPD, five of these nine symptoms must be present.  When I finally learned about Borderline Personality Disorder, it was sort of an ‘aha’ moment.  Now, things that I feel or do, I understand why.  I suffer from eight of these nine symptoms.

I understand why I will do almost anything to prevent what I perceive as abandonment.  I understand why all of my relationships were either inappropriate, extremely intense and unstable.  I understand why I have a great deal of new debt, that has occurred after the agreement with the debt management program,  that I would not apply for anymore credit cards, and this new debt is due to three  new credit cards.  I understand why I became a chronic alcoholic (Nearly 17 years sober now).  I understand the cuts on my arms, the overdoses, and all the threats of suicide, and all of the psychiatric hospitalizations.

I understand now, why I am me, and why I still do many of the things on that list.  Do you now understand me?

 

Up Close And Personal

I keep them at a distance,
I don’t get hurt that way,
If you let them in your heart,
They’re going to leave one day.

I didn’t have a choice back then,
She was always in my face,
I had no time, of my own,
Or my own private space.

Nothing was ever done just right,
Not a thing got past her eye,
Poking in my private stuff,
At times I thought I’d just die.

Try to keep it hidden,
You know you have done wrong,
She’d always find out in some way,
It never took her long.

Family – Real Or Not?

I have a small family. I have a large extended family. I have a spiritual family. I have an online family.  🙂

I am not currently engaging with anyone in my family(ies), except I am always engaging with my online family, both here and on Facebook. My small family consists of myself and two brothers. One has distanced himself so far away that I never hear or see him (except for my mother’s funeral). He does not call or send greeting cards for any occasion. My other brother lives far away and I don’t get to see him often. He is the youngest and, like myself, has many talents. If I would have to name my closest family, it’s the family I have with him and his wife.

I have no sisters, and I am the oldest in the family. All of us scattered far away from the place we called home, but was just a house with five people living inside. ‘Home’ was a tiny town in Upstate New York. Now the oldest brother lives in Sanders KY, the youngest in Whitesboro TX, and I reside in Racine, WI. We all are spread far from home, and each other.

If I were to ask myself why this might have happened, the answers are difficult to actually form as words on the computer screen. All three of us were emotionally and physically abused by my mother, and I also lived with sexual abuse from my father. Maybe if we lived closer together, it would trigger some of those old memories that are buried deep inside each of us. I’m sure that our perspectives were all different, as we all remember things in different ways. But I know that we all have some memories that will always haunt us, whether we are able to voice them or not. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brothers and sister-in-law very much and that will never change.

There is one other person that I would have to add as family. He was my mother’s boyfriend after my father died, and before she died of cancer. He is like a dad to me, a real dad who loves me, cares about what and how I’m doing, and shows this often. The only problem is that he lives back in New York, and I don’t see him very often, and his phone calls are sporadic, as he is always busy traveling around the country, or bowling, or any of a number of things. He is my ‘Dad’.

So, I live a solitary life, occasionally interacting with some of my neighbors, but not often. It’s just myself and my cat. She is good company but doesn’t compare to live human beings. I do not feel loved, or needed, or even cared about, at times.

I continue on, often in the throes of depression, but I kicked the alcohol 17 years ago. I kicked the cigarettes almost nine years ago. But I still do not take care of myself. They ask me every time they see me if I have eaten, how often do I eat, and what do I eat when I do eat. I do not exercise, except when I’m competing in sports that are adapted for wheelchair users. I forget to take medications all the time. They don’t work well if I don’t take them.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Being alone is a hard, but a safe way for me to live. I have at times given up and the results were never good. So I keep on going, family or no family.

Afraid To Be Afraid

Someone’s been watching me

For so many years now

First every day

Every other day

Every week

Every other week

anxietyWatching over my meds

So I don’t take too much

For so many years

Overdosed twice before

Still watching over meds

Only two more weeks

Then I am done

It’s the last day anyone comes

To watch over my meds

To ask how I’m doing

Watching over me

They tell me I’m a success story

I have kind of graduated

I am a success story

One more time, then no more

Afraid to be a success

Afraid I will fail again

No one coming to check on me

Two weeks and then

It will be the last day

I’m on my own after that

Image result for fear

Afraid to be on my own

Afraid to be alone

Afraid to be afraid.

No Is Never Enough (Previously published “With All The Lies, Who Am I?”)

Being ignored as a child, I wasn’t taught anything that I was supposed to have been. Instead I learned how to lie to cover my butt and save myself a beating. As I grew a little older, it just became ingrained.  I would make up things to explain why something was broken, or missing, or just not satisfactory to my mother.

I do believe that she never had one good thing to say about any of my accomplishments.  I wasn’t real at times like this.  I used to perform music at school concerts. Band, choir, duets, solos, even playing the piano, which she didn’t know I could do.  She was always there because she had to take me there.  But she never said a word about it at any time after.

I felt I didn’t do it well enough.  I wasn’t good enough, and that’s why she didn’t like me.  I learned that at a very young age, but just existed in a world where all these people around me (only in school) didn’t like me either.  I was smart and they didn’t like that.

But one thing that really stands out today, is how I was never allowed to be sick.  She had to admit that I was sick when I came home from Kindergarten with Chicken Pox.  So I missed some school due to that.  Once I was well again, I never stayed at home, no matter how sick I felt.  I had a running total of perfect attendance at school, right up until my Senior year, when my parents and I got stranded in a blizzard and no one was allowed to be on the roads for any reason.

The police took us to the Salvation Army, who took us to this rickety, old hotel, where people actually lived.  There was one room for the three of us.  We spent 4 or 5 days there, I can’t remember for sure, but for me it was pure hell.  But that broke my perfect attendance record.

Now she’s gone and I can go out if I want to, or I can stay home if I want to.  I still feel guilty, though, if I don’t go somewhere that I was supposed to go.  I have to make up a story as to why I wasn’t going.  My reasons were never good enough.  Sometimes I went anyway, because of the guilt I was feeling.  But I’m still never good enough. And just saying “no” is never enough…

~ van ~

Why Can’t I Stop?

First it was people,
Never enough,
No one understood,
Living was tough.

Needing this and needing that,
What did I really need?
I tried everything I could get,
But nothing would soothe that need.

A drink here,
A smoke over there,
The more that I got,
I had no cares.

A life like mine may never see,
The end of the driving need,
I stopped the drink, and the smoke,
I planted a very small seed.

But as this seed continued to grow,
Along with it did the need,
How was I ever to know,
There was no end to this greed.

No One Knew

Mommy, Mommy, don’t hurt me,
I didn’t know anyone saw me,
Try to take away the strife,
For me it was my daily life.

Fear of her both day and night,
All I knew, it wasn’t right,
For someone that should try to care,
That one it seemed, was never there.

She was there, in our home,
I was never allowed to roam,
Go outside, she’d always say,
I often thought of running away.

Fear by day, and fear by night,
It seemed to me they had the right,
To treat a child like no one should,
All who saw, thought I was no good.

I did some things that were bad,
Due to the life that I had,
To bear through both day and night,
Inside of me there was no light.

Light was snuffed out long ago,
Hiding things no one should know,
When I tried to tell some one,
All the things, that were done.

Even now I cannot talk,
At the thought, my mind does balk,
I had nothing that I could say,
To tell them why I was that way.

Now, I try to talk it out,
Try to whisper, try to shout,
But it seems all stuck with glue,
If only I’d had someone to talk to.

Why Do I Feel Like This?

Woke up, thought things were ok,
The phone rang, upset my day.
Today I was to meet with someone,
The call came, things came undone.

My heart screams in a silent shout,
I do not want the things to come out,
I must keep them deep inside,
But sometimes it’s very hard to hide.

To hide the pain of being left alone,
I almost wish I hadn’t picked up the phone,
But that would not make things ok,
Just cause me a disrupted day.

I know that I am not to blame,
But I feel this way, just the same,
Feel that it’s because of me,
She did not want to really see.

My fear of abandonment is running wild,
But I thought it was under control,
Now the feelings have to stay inside,
The next two days I’ll have them to hide.

Ever Have One Of Those Days?

Ever had a day when you’re all stuck up in your head?
Ever had one of those days you remember nothing you’ve read?
Ever had one of those days you had nothing to do?
Ever had one of those days you have tons to do?

Today I sat here in my chair,
I did not go anywhere,
I could not read a book,
I just couldn’t find the hook.

Scan_20150109 (61)Today I had nothing to eat,
Because I wouldn’t get out of my seat.
I could not read all that email,
The numbers made me want to wail.

Ever had a day when you want to stay abed?
Ever had a day when all thoughts have fled,
Ever had a day when everything’s numb?
Ever had a day when you need someone?

I am having all those days…