Private Hell

I see the pills I take each day
To help myself, I live that way
In a cloud of many pills
Supposed to take away my ills

If I had to count them all
Even ones for when I fall
Add to them a shot each day
If I stopped what would they say

Blood pressure, depression, and anxiety
Are only part of what you see
Behind closed doors, I struggle more
Much more than I ever did before

I wonder what would kill me first
I think of my unending thirst
Take this one to stop the side effects
I never know what’s coming next,

I see you just outside my door
Coming here, I know not what for
Why do I hide, behind my door
Help me please find out what for

The shadows behind all these doors
More pills, they say will help me more
Do this or not I will not tell
Sitting here in my private hell

Share Your World #40

Share Your World #40

Why did you start blogging?
Why did I start blogging?  I really can’t remember how I even stumbled across WordPress. I have since taken two classes, Building Better Webpages I & II. It started out as a sounding board for my little pet peeves, like when someone who doesn’t need it, parks in a handicap zone, forcing my driver to spend a lot more time, looking for another place where we can park. But it evolved into a place where I could explore, express, and pass on my feelings about my childhood sexual/physical/emotional abuse.

A piece of clothing you still remember?  I remember a pair of overalls that my mother made for me. This was in the 70’s, mind you. The basic color was sort of beige, with vertical, red and orange stripes. My mother had us wear our school clothes, the first set, Mon-Wed, and the second set, Thurs&Fri. Since this item of clothing really stood out among other people, someone was always making fun of me about how many days in a row, that I wore those. I was already being picked on, and this just made my time at school even worse. It didn’t matter that I got real good grades.

Who are you trying to reach with your blog?  I write about child abuse, specifically my own. My writing has evolved into a great place where I can explore my own feelings, and hopefully reach others who have survived child abuse of any kind. I want to give them a place to vent their own feelings, and hopefully they can feel free to explore their own abuse, their feelings, PTSD, and other mental illnesses that can result from childhood abuse.

Is there a stuffed animal in your bedroom?  I used to have a lot of stuffed animals, especially large ones. I now have only one, a small stuffed bear, that was given to me by one of my aides for Valentines Day, and now sits proudly in my recliner with me. His name is Jasper.

The best birthday present ever?  Having to share birthdays with Halloween makes it a little difficult to remember birthday gifts, but I would have to go with my very first guitar, when I turned 21. It was an acoustic guitar with nylon strings, and I had never even played one before. My ability has become much more proficient and I bought myself a good acoustic guitar, with steel strings. That’s not as bad as having to share it with Christmas, but parties were always rushed, so that we could go trick-or-treating.

What would surprise me about you? I think what might surprise you, is that I spent two months in one of our state mental houses, and it was not by choice. The county I now live in, had me hospitalized, due to extreme, chronic depression, accompanied by three suicide attempts. Obviously, I survived and am here to tell you about it today. I have come a long way, from that dark period of my life. But I am a survivor, and while I still have mental health issues, you wouldn’t be able to tell if you met me, or came to know me. I am stable on the medications I take, and have not been hospitalized for that since 2006 or 2007.

Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up? I am grateful that I had the opportunity to fly to San Antonio, take part in adaptive sports for disabled veterans.  I did not win any medals – the MS is progressing and I have less stability with my hands and arms.  Also that despite complications, landing at O’Hare, and first having to wait for a gate to open up, and then waiting about an hour for them to get my chair to me.  They had trouble getting it off the plane, then the elevator they were going to use to bring it up was under construction, so they had to go the long way around.  I’m also grateful for the passengers and driver got me on/off the bus, and the shuttle van was waiting for me, despite the fact that I was almost 15 minutes.  The driver knew who I was and didn’t want to leave me stranded out there, in the rain, with no other means available to get me and my chair home. (It probably weighs close to 400 pounds)  There was no other way to get me and my chair home.  All other forms of public transport don’t come out as far as that bus stop.

I am looking forward to a quiet, relaxing, week, without all the stress I had before and during my trip to San Antonio.  I am also looking forward to doing a little shopping, if my budget allows it this month.  And I am also looking forward to going to church again this weekend.  I went last week.  That was probably the first time I went since Easter.

Cee’s Share Your World is a weekly feature and all are welcome to play along.

What’s going on in your world?

Anxiety

Image result for CoffeeIf we were having coffee, I’d tell you that this past week was too easy, and this coming week is going to be too difficult.  This past week, I didn’t have a care in the world.  I had no appointments to worry about, no transportation arrangements to be made, I didn’t even have to leave the building.  I’d tell you I had a great time, sitting outside in the beautiful September weather.  The only thing I needed to do was get a haircut, which I finally did on Friday.

Image result for CoffeeIf we were having coffee, I’d tell you that this coming week is going to be busier.  I have to make all the final arrangements for transportation from my little corner of SE Wisconsin, to San Antonio, where it is still blazing hot.  But I have to wear jeans and sometimes even a long-sleeved shirt, because I have to spend each entire day in an air-conditioned building, that feels like the back of your local butcher’s freezer.  I wonder if we have a local butcher….  I’d tell you that I will be doing a variety of different adaptive sports for disabled veterans.  I’d tell you that I am going to be shooting an air rifle at a target that is ten miles meters away, and I can’t ever get the sights on the rifle lined up with the tiny ten dots that I’m supposed to be shooting at.  Then I will be playing table tennis, which is one of my favorites.  The last event I will be doing is Bocce Ball, which I first played in San Antonio, two years ago.  I have played since, and my skills are improving with every event I attend.

Image result for CoffeeIf we were having coffee, I’d tell you that my anxiety level is rising towards the roof with every breath I take.  I would also tell you that I made a mistake on my airline reservation, and they so kindly charged me an extra $200 for that little.  I would also tell you that I learned a lesson about airline reservations, and that is to wait until I have all the schedule information.  I found it was entirely wrong both going and coming back.  To change the reservation again,  the freaking airline so kindly charged me another extra $200, so now I’ve paid just about enough to fly there and back – twice!  Maybe next year I’ll stay home for that event, and try going somewhere else where it isn’t quite as hot.  Maybe the Winter Sports Clinic in Colorado, where I can learn how to ski?